As I enjoyed the tender, loving affection of this man, other issues came up. How were we going to segue this love into love making? He reentered my life with a disability. Years of working on the railroad left him with a bad back which pained him to sit, lay or stand too long. His knees were going too. But most crippling seemed to be his mental and emotional state. Here was a proud man who has worked non-stop since the age of seventeen. He was a provider. Now it seemed that sadness and uncertainty had settled in and become a part of him. Besides that he suffered with social anxiety.
I knew about the anxiety. I had questioned him over the years. I had done my “research” (a few YouTube videos) I had dealt with it….but only for two weekends. This time was two months.
I started to realize that disabled loving has it’s own set of unique issues. No situation is the same. Most things we met with understanding, gentleness and kindness towards each other. Politeness. So polite that we let our frustrations smother the desire.
I KNEW there had to be others of you out there with similar issues. Or at least part of what was happening to me. Honestly, I felt lucky to have someone who sincerely loved me and had no issue with my issues and situations.
I also felt guilty because his situation made me feel depressed. Sex was very frustrating. Any desire was lost while trying to figure out the “love puzzle”
I felt guilty about that too. However, I figured if we tried to meet the situation lightheartedly it would help. It didn’t. It led to a lot of pretending to be sleep. In the end, frustration and disappointment killed desire. And you, my dears, have LAID.
I don’t want anyone to feel alone. You are not the only one. There is no training for this so we have to compassionately teach each other.
Until next time….
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